When Bad Fics Happen To Good People
by XxLemurxX
Summary: I do not like boys. I repeat, I do not like boys. Why must these people continue to torture me so? What happens when Harry finds out about the undoing of the fanfiction world, the terror that is slash. One Shot.


A/N: I guess this is just my personal little vendetta against all things Slash--which is disgusting and in no way anything like Mrs. Rowling would ever ever write. So I guess if you like slash this isnt' really for you. Becuase I"m going to make fun of you. Sorry, that's just the way it is.

Also if you'd be intrested in being a staff member of my C2 "The Harry and Ginny Hole" Just drop me a comment and we can work something out.

Also as always remember to read and review!

We all know that the Dursley's hate our dear, darling Harry. But let's pretend for a moment that we are stupid. Let's pretend for a second that they actually love him, which I'm sure you may have heard previously that they do not. No they don't love him at all. Anyhow, the point of our story is to be completely delusional to actual facts. So in this story the Dursleys do indeed love him, I mean I'm not sure if they'd be in to open mouth kissing him or anything, but they don't want to shoot him in the face either–much. So let's all be delusional and pretend for a moment that sweet loving, Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon and that fat ass–whatever his name is all went on vacation in Majorca or whatever, on second thought—let's just pretend they died. Yes they're dead. There, there–it's okay seriously there is no reason to be upset don't you remember? They didn't even want to open mouth kiss our hero. They were bad relatives, they're better off dead.

So as we are still pretending we have no common sense and no sense of logic–let's pretend that Aunt Vernon and Uncle Petunia (Your eyes don't deceive you...I meant to write it like that) left their nephew their home. So Harry's long dream of being able to use that muggle contraption of the computer became a reality. Something he had been wanting to do for some time let me tell you. As he logged on the unfamiliar ring of "You've Got Mail" sounded from his AOL account. Wondering if it was a letter from Hermione even though this was the first time he had ever touched a computer and definitely didn't know how to use one–or even had an email address for that matter...but remember we're pretending to be stupid. Long story short he decided to check it.

To: The Boy Who Scored

From: Library Goddess

Body:

Harry,

How are you? I hope I find you well. I'm sorry to hear about your aunt and uncle. Although come to think of it you're probably better off with them seeing as how I know you'd be mad if you found out about the wild sex affair I had with your cousin Dudley...Oops! I didn't mean to type that, and even though it would be just as easy for me to erase that last sentence let's just pretend for a second that I'm stupid, okay? But anyways, don't be mad about me and Dudley...he wasn't even that good, and he's dead. But we'll save all that for another fic, shall we? Enough with the formalities, you will not believe what I just found. Do you know how that crazy woman started writing books about us, a few years ago? Well some people who read those books, decided to write stories about us. I thought it was kind of odd, and thought you might want to check it out.

Love, Hermione

Enclosed was a link, filled with curiosity Harry clicked it, and was taken to a fan fiction website he had never heard of. Deciding to check it out to see what was the big deal, he searched for "Harry Potter" and then just clicked on the first story he saw. Figuring that they were probably all about the same anyways, who cares which one it was? He began to read.

_Love In The Dark_

_By:DracosGirl131_

"Draco's girl? Who in their right mind would actually write something like that? I mean that's just kind of horrible isn't it?" He thought to himself as he read on.

_I had been thinking about it for a while. Well actually I had just decided this morning—that I liked boys. Yes, in fact I was thinking of what Ron might look like naked, that very moment._

_"What's wrong mate? You have an odd glint in your eyes" Ron asked me over eggs and kippers._

_"Oh nothing, I'm just picturing you in a thong" I thought to myself as I said outloud–"Oh nothing, just worried about that potions essay" I lied._

"What? First of all I'm not even sure wizards wear thongs. Second of all, maybe I should drive this point home to you in case you're as stupid as this writer. I am not gay. I repeat, I do not like boys. Why must these people continue to torture me so? Isn't it enough that my parents, and godfather were killed, and then I was forced to live with people who don't love me until they happily died as well? I mean seriously. Give me a break, won't you?" He thought to himself as he continued.

_And as Ron starting complaining about Hermione, that's when I saw him. No not, Ron. I found my one true love from across the room. There he was golden hair, great body, even though I couldn't see it because he was wearing thick black robes, I could just tell by the way that they clung gently to his abdominal muscles. Without even thinking I knew I had to make him mine. I quickly stood up, interrupting Ron, but not stopping as he called out to me as I walked towards the Slytherin table. _

"I'm sorry but if I ever have to read anything about Malfoy's muscles again, I'm going to Avada Kedavra myself." Harry thought silently as he grudgingly continued reading.

_I approached him, and as his beautiful blue as a river / green as an emerald / brown as the darkest chocolate, eyes met mine I melted._

_"What do you want Potter?" Malfoy said with scorn._

_"Oh I think you know." I said softly as I made my way closer to him._

_"So you feel it too?" Draco said in the same soft tone I had used._

_"Oh, I feel it. And even though I hate you, I know that I love you." I said as I inched even closer to him and our lips finally----"_

"Bloody hell! What the flying eff is this about? Seriously someone should call amnesty international because I'm pretty sure this is considered torture." Harry continued as I guess he didn't realize that he could stop reading at any time seeing as how no one was forcing him–but we're pretending like we're stupid so we won't even mention it.

_"met causing a million sensations to rip through my body. I was in love, I could tell. I knew that with this one kiss Voldemort had been defeated, all of the hosue elves had been set free, my parents and Sirius had come back from the dead, and Peter Petigrew had been served for this morning's breakfast with a dash of lemon salt and a pound of butter. I just knew that this love was forever. 4-EVA! TAKE THAT VOLDEMORT._

_Not long after that Harry and Malfoy married even though that kind of thing is not even really legal, but remember we're pretending to be stupid. Harry had become Minister of Magic, and Malfoy had become a woman. They had sixty three beautiful children and were living in complete and utter bliss.—The End."_

"Bloody hell that was horrible. Well now that it's over I guess I can get back to the important things in life—like thinking about Ron in a thong. Mmm." Harry thought to himself as he turned out the lights and prepared for good dreams.


End file.
